It’s been three weeks since I moved to Mumbai. Apart from the daily mental breakdowns, everything is going swimmingly. I’ve started to meet friends, establish a gym routine, and even begun acting classes (the best part of my week).
Subtext
Class is four days each week, where the first two days are theoretical and the other two days are practical, meaning monologues and scene work.
The actual acting stuff is engaging on its own, but the aspect that I love most is pulling apart the layers of theory surrounding method acting. Concepts like tuning your instrument (your body), activating your inner life (your emotions), and igniting your imagination are foundational elements to this craft.
In exploring these ideas, the concept of “subtext” really caught my attention.
Subtext is the implied or underlying meaning of a certain scene, line, word, or gesture even. It’s simultaneously objective and subjective. Definite and abstract.
For example, an actor can say the line “fuck you” with the subtext of anger, spite, humor, comradery, dismissiveness…and the list goes on.
As you can imagine, subtext creates a beautiful cause for debate and interpretation.
Though I’m only two weeks into my acting program, I’ve already had many such juicy arguments with my fellow co-actors and instructors.
But the argument that’s been living in my mind rent-free is the one I’ve had with myself as I’ve debated the subtext of my own ego.
The Subtext of My Ego
The idea of ego has been top of mind lately as I’m painfully aware that my greatest obstacle in life has historically been myself.
If I had a dollar for every game of tennis I’ve lost to my brother on account of the egoistic self-judgment that sinks in as soon as I miss a few shots…
I know it. He knows it. And he uses it against me sometimes (mostly just to make fun of me). But more often than not, he coaches me through it: You’re just getting in your own head, Shiv. Separate from that talk track going through your mind and just focus on the game.
I’m good at accepting that truth, but not so good at the follow through.
The subtext of my ego in these situations has been a focus on the fact that someone is better than me. That I wish my opponent was worse. I’m disappointed that I’m not effortlessly and naturally great.
I hate this self-talk (read: ego), but I love winning (read: ambition).
Net, net: this strategy of high ego and high ambition is not working for me. So I’ve been trying to understand the relationship between the two, believing that ego is a prerequisite for ambition.
Maybe it’s for this reason that I’ve been gravitating towards books on the topic lately. The titles coming to mind are The Power of Now by Elkhart Tolle, Freedom from the Known by Krishnamurthy, Metahuman by Deepak Chopra, and I’m currently reading Siddartha by Hermann Hesse.
In their own way, each of these books state that in order to be enlightened and achieve peace you must let go of ego. Simultaneously, they argue that there is a reality where you can release ego but retain ambition.
I don’t know, guys. I’m not buying it.
Let me clarify. I understand this idea theoretically, but I find it much more difficult to apply practically — especially now, having left my family, friends, and career to chase a dream that is outwardly rather vain.
How can I hustle my way through Mumbai in pursuit of a career in film without an ego? Doesn’t betting on myself in this way imply an innate ego? Don’t ego and ambition have too much in common for me to let go of one and still be able to hold on to the other?
Enemies, Near and Far
It wasn’t until I came across the Buddhist concept of near enemies and far enemies in Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart that I was able to start wrapping my mind around the complex relationship between ego and ambition.
In this context, enemies are things that keep you from achieving a desired state (AKA how you want to show up in a certain situation). For example, if your desired state is empathy, enemies are things that prevent you from experiencing a state of empathy. In Buddhism, enemies have two flavors: far and near.
Far enemies are things that are exactly counter to the desired state. In our empathy example, a far enemy might be antagonism or treating someone like they’re invisible. On the other hand, a near enemy (according to researcher Kristin Neff) “appears similar to the desired state — hence its ‘near’ — but actually undermines it, which is why it’s an enemy.”
A near enemy to empathy is sympathy.
Empathy means being vulnerable by calling upon our own experiences (even when it makes us uncomfortable) to understand the perspective of how another person is feeling. It aims to drive connection.
Sympathy, on the other hand, actually fuels separation. It’s “I feel sorry for you” instead of “I feel with you”. Sympathy indicates that we can’t relate or identify with what someone else is going through, and more importantly, we aren’t willing to try.
The subtext of empathy is a genuine desire to connect, while the subtext of sympathy is disconnection. In this way, sympathy undermines empathy as its near enemy.
While far enemies appear to be more dangerous to the desired state because they are the opposite of that state, near enemies are actually far more lethal because they are much more difficult to recognize. They pose a substantial threat to us as they stand by our side like a shadow, giving the illusion of a teammate but the reality of an opponent.
With this lens, I’ve come to realize that ego is not a prerequisite to ambition. But actually, it is the near enemy of it. Not only is this sneaky shadow not helping me, it’s actually preventing me from achieving a state of ambition that I’m proud of.
Ego is the near enemy of ambition.
When I think of ego as the near enemy of ambition, it becomes much easier to release.
I recognize that ego — when interpreted to mean a selfish and entirely internal focus — does not serve my ambition, but rather undermines it. This is because the subtext of my ego is characterized by comparison, envy, and narcissism.
Meanwhile, my ambition doesn’t care for these things at all.
Instead, the subtext of my ambition is deep gratitude, curiosity, and a desire to get the most out of life. To learn and share the wealth of knowledge I might accumulate. Unlike my ego, my ambition does not need to feel power over others. It seeks to serve and connect with others.
It’s important to note ego isn't the near enemy of everyone's ambition, but I've definitely found this to be the case for myself. I think it depends on the subtext of each person’s ego and the subtext of their ambition. For me, there is dissonance between the person I’m growing into (focused on benevolent ambition) and the person I have been (focused on selfish ego).
The concept of near and far enemies clarifies that it’s less about what you want to achieve, and more about how you want to achieve it.
My Lens on Life Lately
I know it hasn’t even been a full month since my big move to India, but it’s hard to kick the feeling of being “behind” in some sense. I’m starting to see that this is my ego talking. Turns out that intellectualizing a release of my ego and experiencing it are two different things. It’s an active practice to build awareness around and will likely require more effort than simply writing a piece on it. Bummer.
On the flip-side, I’m trying to focus on the fact that I’m already learning so much since moving here.
Living in a new country means I can no longer operate on autopilot. Each area of my life — ranging from fitness to fashion — feels like a new experience that I have to explore with an open heart and open mind.
I’m excited to continue sharing all that I learn and really appreciate everyone who has reached out with words of encouragement or resonance.
You make me feel less lost in this seemingly infinite free fall.
Sans ego,
Shiv
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I loved this piece! Hadn't thought of ego and ambition like this.
Extremely well written from a unique angle. I feel like I'm not alone! (Sorry if I posted this before, it's not showing up)