It doesn’t have to be perfect to count for something.
‘It’ could be anything. Making your bed in the morning, reading that one book cover to cover, calling when you said you would. I’ve recently noticed the pressure I put on my day — and consequently, my life — to be carried out in exactly the way I imagine, hope and dream.
And while it’s totally OK to have those hopes and dreams, it’s not-so-OK to believe that those are the only valid outcomes. Binding yourself to these expectations is limiting. I’ve been feeling that deeply these days.
An Orange Theory ‘AHA!’
(No, this is not a sponsored post…though I wish it were.)
For those who don’t know, Orange Theory Fitness — aka OTF — is a HIIT-style group fitness class. It’s a cult, really.
When I started working out at OTF, I’d be completely wiped after just one class. The workout is structured in a way that is competitive, so I’d push myself to my limits to make sure I was beating Suzie over on treadmill #3.
It got to the point where the amount of energy I was putting into every minute of class was making me think, “is this actually healthy, or is the strain I’m putting on my body counterproductive? Should I take a break?”
The universe answered that question on my behalf when I had my appendix removed at the beginning of the summer and couldn't work out for a month. At the end of that holding period, I was so eager to get back into the studio that I had to accept a lower output than what I had built up to before.
While this was a hard pill to swallow, I had no other choice if I wanted to get back to classes. So, I was shocked when I was still getting a really solid workout even with this imperfect mode of operation. A lightbulb went off in my head.
Perfectionism is the enemy.
Pre-surgery, I didn’t even consider what OTF would look like if I just took my intensity down a few notches. I wanted my workout to be so perfect that I was doubting its value if it couldn’t be exactly as I wanted it to be. I had developed such an all-or-nothing mentality that I was considering quitting before I entertained the idea of an “imperfect” session at the studio. But, this experience reminded me that perfectionism is the enemy. Aiming for perfection is a limiting way to live life.
With this change in mentality, I still go to OTF often — 4 to 5 times per week — but instead of going all out every single time, I scale it back a day or two throughout the week. It’s not perfect, and it still feels good.
It made me think…what are other areas of my life where I apply this same mentality?
Writing is definitely a big one, which explains why you haven’t received a newsletter in quite some time.
When I’m at my best, I’m able to follow my daily ritual:
It’s been so long that I’ve been disciplined in a writing practice.
See, even that sentence didn’t make sense. What I meant to say — it’s been so long since I’ve been disciplined in my writing practice. I’m finding it hard to get back into the swing of one.
Lately, if I think I won’t have the full amount of time that I’d like to write in the morning, I just won’t write at all. If I don’t have a post idea fully fleshed out, I deter myself from even putting pen to paper — even though that’s the exact activity that will help me get there. Yet again, my perfectionist mindset is limiting me.
As I’ve been talking about this idea with friends and family over the past few weeks, perfectionism seems rampant in my circles.
A Fear of Failure
When I think about what perfectionism comes down to, it’s a fear of failure. A failure of attaining the image we had in our minds. A failure of our own expectations for how we thought this day — this life — was supposed to go. We are constantly judging ourselves against ‘should’. When we let go of this type of judgment and expectation though, we make space for possibilities that we can not intellectualize or predict.
That is the headspace I’m working towards, and I appreciate you all for sticking with me through this often ambivalent journey.
Here’s to living this out and shipping this perfectly imperfect newsletter.
Here’s to letting go of judgment.
Shiv
Stories by Shiv is part of Wayfinder, a writer collective exploring questions that matter.